We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more. All of our hearts ache. All of our hearts are at some level unsatisfied and longing. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God.
-Unknown
It's not fun. You'll find it in the small print of what you signed up for. (That is if you've signed up.) The ache. The stinging, throbbing, heaviness of an aching heart.
The discomfort of an aching heart is the silent insides of a soul desperately crying out for more than our eyes and flesh can see. Sometimes you get it and other times you lay alone with only tears to accompany the pain. You may know the reason and other times it ends with voiceless prayers of desperation. Let me tell you a secret: He hears every cry and knows every pain.
Last week I was visiting a church in Georgia with my sister-in-law. During the worship time God shared with me a desire of His heart for these people. Afterwards I was able to meet the pastor and share with him this desire: their desire! God wanted to bless these people. But He wanted them to know that they must desire Him, want Him, above everything else. More than their families or jobs or even their next meal. God wants to be desired more than all our "stuff." And He wants us to know this - it's how life is gonna work out best. (Mark 12:30)
I've been aching. I sat up from bed and read an old journal. A year ago tonight I was crying out to God for someone I knew. It didn't make sense and the prayers that came out of me were from God alone. It hurt. To willingly be at the foot of the cross on behalf of another isn't always, let's say, "peachy." Because when you lift up another lives change by His power, grace, and love. It's a sacrifice of self to intercede - much gets refined. Burned up and thrown away. Yourself gets changed to be more like Christ so by worldly standards you get nothing in return for all you've offered. Yet, God wanted this person reached and covered in prayer and the Holy Spirit.
From that night: "Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."
2 Corinthians 1: 21,22
Know He desires us. He desires obedience to see His children transformed.
For counties, the nations, and my generation prayers flow out from the depth of my heart. All that is within pleads with God to save and bring life to His people. For friends and family and every city I've been to the past month. His blood was shed for those people! And though the pain feels like a curse sometimes I count it as a blessing to offer myself as an intercessor for so many.
Jenn Fancy is beautiful! She spent the rough 11 months with me around the world. Her heart and soul ached 100 times more than mine did for each nation we landed in. For each people group her body would hurt in prayers of unfailing love. She inspired me to continually find joy as His child. As a child introducing so many people to the Father.
So what do you do when your heart aches. You run! You run and run and run to the Father. You talk with Him until your voice gets hoarse. You climb into His lap and nuzzle your head just under His. You leap into His lap with excitement as you recognize an opportunity for growth and change. Or you can gently lift your leaky eyes to the thrown and allow His mighty arms to lift you onto His chest. Don't be afraid to let the streams flow from your eyes. He can wipe them away as you fall asleep to the rhythm of His heartbeat.
But run. Figuratively or literally. Make Him your desire and don't allow anything to take your eyes away from His beautiful love. In the pleasure He is God. In the pain He is God. In your life let Him be God.
Tonight Ryan, Jane, and I [big bro, sister-in-law, and me]went to Sonic after dinner as a treat for my last night with them. I was very excited. Earlier in the day I had made my first trip to Target since being back in the states and now was enjoying the "essence of the American drive-thru experience." [Leave the country for 11 months then you'd really understand. For time sake I'll just assume you understand my refreshed appreciation of the simple luxuries that are now available.] I sipped my Strawberry Limeade. Ryan had a Butterfinger Sonic Blast. Jane enjoyed her Jr. Banana Split with no nuts. We stayed in the car - like you're supposed to - and shared in laughter and fun of the evening. Ready to head out and the car was not ready. [Did I mention that the Georgia heat had already melted the glue off my rear view mirror leaving it dangling from the roof by a wire?] After trying to start the car again all we got was a weird sound from the CD player. How's that connected? I think this has happened before - battery problems. I mostly seriously asked Jane to pray over the car to cast out the demon inside. Once the friend, Super-Daniel, got there to help us out the car began again. Prayers answered! I was going to follow him and Ryan back to the house where we could check on it more. I put the car in reverse, looked over my shoulder, and it died. All I could do was slowly coast into another parking spot in the Sonic drive-in. Dang.
The car stayed at Sonic while we sought alternate recovery procedures. Basically, Ryan went to work so Jane and I came back in her car to try and jump mine. Once there I tried to give it another shot. Good idea? Bad idea? Well the car started. We decided to try and make it the two miles back to the house. Alright now, I was driving and Jane was following. This poor situation needed prayer. I began to make up a praise song involving Jesus and my car: "Jesus help my car. Get me home. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus get me home. Oh, Jesus." [It has a simple melody and I think Chris Tomlin might be interested.] About the time I changed to singing Amazing Grace over my car I get a phone call. Dang. Can't answer the call 'cause I can't find the phone in my bag in the passenger seat in the dark. But once I looked up and could tell my lights weren't on any more I didn't need to hear what Jane was calling about. I squinted my eyes and, hey there, none of the inside lights were on either. Coasting again, this time on a major road. We had just passed the neighborhoods and I was afraid I'd be stuck in the middle of the road. Oh look, a driveway. [Now, if you were with us the past five days or so you would know that random residential yards are often helpful in a case of emergency pull overs: 13 family members, 3 cars, and 1 flat tire occupied an Atlanta yard for about an hour last Friday.]
New setting - my dead car and Jane's car in a drive way about a mile from the house. We pull out the jumper cables and attempt to give this a try. [Two chicks who had never done this before...yeah, this is gonna work. ] Before we get ready to start something we really don't know how to do I try the front door to see who's home. [I mean, at least warn a brotha' we're about to maybe blow something up in their front yard.] No answer. Five cars in the drive way but no answer. Hmm. Fortunately as I'm hooking up the car Larry walks up to us - this interruption probably prevented even more horrible-ness. Larry lives at the house we stopped at. He says he can't help us but his brother is a "mechanic genius" so he runs to get him. Barry joins the eventful evening. He knew exactly where the batteries [including how to open the hood...step one] were on both vehicles and helped us out with trying to jump start my dead Oldsmobile. After three attempts my car sits stubbornly in the driveway - mocking us now, really. Barry and Larry were being extremely helpful considering one had to wake up early the next morning for work. They offered to chain my car and pull me home. Aside from that idea being illegal [and recognizing the large hills down to our neighborhood] it seemed like a pretty quick and cheap resolution. Um, we called a tow truck. Well, we stood around with Barry and Larry for a while until calling the insurance company that could get us a tow truck in the area...45 minutes to an hour. Since we already interrupted their evening long enough we assured Barry and Larry they could go to bed and we'd just wait for the tow truck to get there. [Though they were appreciative that we gave them a story to tell at work the next day - We'll send them and their mom cookies later...since we know where they live and all.]
Jane and I sat in her car to wait. We listed all the crazy things that had happened the past few days. It actually made me truly laugh at life. It released me of so much pressure of perfection and punctuality. [Let it rest. God's in control.] It's been a rough couple of days. Readjusting to this new culture and pace in the states has been hard and challenging and graceless to say the least. Life is more rushed. I had almost fallen back into my habit of planning each moment to the hour when God stepped in again to show me His awesomeness and sense of humor. In His perfect timing it's all OK and we continue on our way. I think I can give my control back to Him and see what yard I land in next.
Two weeks in. I'm missin' a whole lot of what life was the past 11 months so I decided to evaluate this new lifestyle and culture.
Food: D
My stomach has had to do more adjusting than I have. It appears to become violently aggressive towards large portions of greasy food. Also - the endless options are kinda overwhelming. Stick me in a restaurant or grocery store and I will stumble over my words with wide-eyes trying to make decisions. Fortunately, my happy trip down the cereal aisle proved faithful...and my dinner of Ale-8 and cookie dough tonight hit the spot. God bless America.
Housing: A
Even though I've slept in five different places in the past 2 weeks I can't complain. Each had pillows and clean bedding, with a hot shower, carpet and electricity. All with people I love...and free of charge.
Family: B+
I've got the parents covered, briefly. I've seen both aunts and uncle and grandma up in Michigan...as well as many distant relatives in Indiana. I talked with a close cousin a couple times and haven't let a day go by without checking in with the big bro and sister-in-law. I think that's pretty good but it will take a lot of work to eventually see all the cousins, aunts, and uncle on the east coast. I came back with a deeper love and respect for my family and feel I owe them more prayers and time. They've believed in me from the start.
Relationships: B-
They are ALL different and people are all over this country. I can only do so much - though no one has escaped my prayers.
Transitioning: N/A
Still in a daze - what am I supposed to do? The only hand-book I have is His Word and the only conversations that change my heart are the ones with my Lord. I need some grace and rest as I take the next steps.
World Race Habits: B
As soon as I unpacked my backpack when I got home I repacked it to go to camp. I didn't know how else to pack. Sometimes I still throw away my TP and still feel I need to ask if we're going to spend team or personal money. I miss waking up in a sleeping bag and choosing clothes from packs of my Ziplocked wardrobe. I've mostly adjusted though a lot tends to bring my thoughts back to the habits of the past 11 months.
Communication: A-
I'm trying harder on this, too. Cell phones are greater than I thought. A year of emails and Skype was SO hard. Rarely was I able to hear familiar voices, never was it a convenient or spontaneous "Hello!" Still I love face-to-face conversations the best. Those that I've had have encouraged my spirit and challenged me more to live intentionally in love with His people. God's continually teaching me truth about myself - how I am not an inconvenience and my voice needs to be heard. Talking with friends and strangers, overall, has been hugely different than it was a year ago. Besides LOVING the English language, I can talk and listen to all that God's doing in words and actions.
Transportation: B-
I wasn't sure how to grade this one. I've done lots of traveling and am only half way done with my stateside tour. Unfortunately, none of this has been public transportation which means I've had to deal with the American gas prices.
Church: C
I'm not trying to be careful - not anymore. I just crave the community we had as Racers. Though I realize the great support and prayers from many churches, I am deeply curious as to the new Body God wishes me to be a part of here in the states. On the Race I thought I wasn't understood - everything was more understood than I thought. We all lived in and as the Body of Christ which included the culture of selfless love. What's next?
Overall: C
There's still a lot I have to learn. But I think I'm gonna throw out the idea that a "C" tells me I'm only average. Me nor any other Racer or true believer in Jesus Christ should be called average. It's an adventure and a mystery. I jumped in 11 months ago and don't believe for a second that because of the comfort seeking culture we're in now that I want anything different. He reigns, He rules, and He removed me from a life of complacency. My Lord is the true God that invites us each morning to be His will on earth, loving the unlovable, and bringing Him glory. My Lord is more than a boxed idea of religion and He's been moving us all since September.
I've been seeking wisdom as to what's supposed to happen next. Reading in a devotional book the other day my eyes paused as I reread the given verse, "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." (James 3:17-18) First of all pure. Pure. That means the wisdom that I seek isn't infected with my fleshly desires or manipulations. It's not a deal I'm making with God. He wants to give us a wisdom that is purely Him. And with that comes peace, consideration, submissive attitude, mercy, fruit, impartiality, and sincerity. Wow! When God blesses He blesses. He LOVES His children. And maybe I've mentioned it before - He cares more about who we are than what we are doing.
So, without a job and without an address I can rest in His truth. The wisdom I seek, the wisdom He gives, will guide me into becoming more of the Kingdom builder He chose me to be. I may be a "C" now but the gifts I'm seeking will help change the world.
Gary Black's words that impacted the Racers actions throughout most of our time kept going through my head and heart this past week. Come on, Church! We were all very fortunate to live with that push and motivation and truth for something more of God and less of the world. Come on, Church!
I spent the past week back at the summer camp I've worked at the last two summers. I haven't had time to stop since the Race but knew without a doubt that Evart, Michigan is where I was blessed to be.
But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about God's wonderful kindness and love. Acts 20: 24
And that's exactly what each day was about! As soon as my feet hit that camp I was His to use. I prayed and prayed for humility and miracles before I arrived and our powerful King was faithful to His daughter. I was used to do His work that was specifically designed for me. It was crazy-exciting to have each gift empowered and used purposefully in order to impact lives and touch the people I ran into. All for His glory! How He made me as a passionate listener, encourager, friend, servant, intercessor, and video-maker all blended itself together for an A-mazing week. I wish I could illustrate this more powerfully for you...
Imagine that God gives you a stack of envelopes. First decision is your choice to open them. You open the first one and inside is a check for your rent. The next one is a letter from an old friend asking forgiveness. Overwhelmed but expecting more miracles and blessings you keep opening. Debt cleared, prayers answered, hard worked recognized. Some are sad but still teaches you of the hope that comes from God alone. Each envelope from someone different glorifies His ever-present work in your life. Really? God can be this active and alive for His kids?
YES! That's how it was for me. Every corner I turned or walk I took ran me into someone else that needed Him in some way. Maybe I was their encouragement or sounding board or prayer buddy but I believe I was the one doubly blessed for being a part of His work: the Church.
Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace. Ephesians 4: 2,3
This was the verse that the staff focused on during their weekly small group. They discussed community and how that relates to who they are and their summer jobs. Patience. Humility. Gentleness. At the beginning of the week i got to sit in with a group and hear these foundational aspects to the Church. One of the best parts was seeing the Church be vulnerable with themselves and begin from there. It's hard to be patient. It's tempting to stay farther from humility than we ought to. And most times gentleness doesn't get the instant results we are after. But I was touched when the staffers talked about the direction they wanted to walk into. Our group ended with recognizing LOVE - "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13: 7
Let's go, Church! The world needs us. They need us to be the willing example of love. They need pictures of grace and patience. They need to see Church outside of Sunday mornings. Pure joy came out of my heart when I was loving on people all week. Why? It wasn't scheduled "ministry." It wasn't my job. It wasn't expected. It was just God doing His thing through someone who asked for it. My life really was changed this past year and I got to see it. I got to see how His love for me and others became the priority in my life.
Maybe that was my favorite part:
Church in the back of a golf cart, or on a rock by the lake, or in the office. Being the Church around the kitchen table or around camp. God being active in every conversation and divine appointment. Being used and seeing friends wanting more of Him and His direction.
God wants to use us more beautifully than any other earthly offer. Purely. Joyfully. Purposefully. LIFE-CHANGING! That's the Church, the community of followers. With the humility and patience for others that He asks for and passionately reckless love for a Savior...Come on! Let's go!
[I'm sure this could have been presented more clearly. Unfortunately, my excitement sometimes jumbles the words I try to express. I know that being the Church - the Body of Christ - is one of the most wonderful things I never asked for. Our souls crave for fellowship that provides opportunities to serve and share life, prayers, dreams, and fears. God knows it and loves it!]
So this is it? Finally. Wow! The Final Banquet was the much-anticipated grand-ending to our eleven months. Whoa. It's what we had been looking forward to, thought about, shopped for, and known about for a long time. And now I'm sitting comfortably in my pajamas with my hair still done up. Others are still out enjoying the company of family for the short time we have left together. Some are relaxing and packing/throwing away gross clothes back in their rooms.
It was memorably wonderful. I tried to soak in each moment, each smile and laughter. We looked normal for the first time in a long time - dressed up and clean. It didn't matter though. I was stressing the past couple days trying to help out, get pretty, finished little projects, thinking about living stateside again, be my shining self for the banquet....it doesn't matter. None of it.
What did we do this past year? What did I accomplish or how did I change to prove to people back home that I mean something? That I made a difference? Doesn't matter. Tonight we had dinner as a family. We laughed when silly awards were given our. We were honored when we received our diplomas of completion. We posed for some pretty good looking pictures. Those too will fade.
What caught my heart, what pulled me to His throne again were simple words from a song. A projector was brought in to share team slide shows on a sheet in the middle of a local restaurant for us. We got to see highlights of the year and remember people we had met along the way. As the pictures rolled on my ears picked up His message, "I want more of You and less of me."
Done. That's it. That's the message these months transformed our hearts to live and breath and speak. At the instant the worry ended and God's overwhelming love came down. No longer was the fear of going back holding me back. No longer was I going to allow doubt to cripple my authority. No longer could I let judgment and pride place me anywhere but at His feet. I want more of You and less of me.
Thanks D-squad for allowing God to be A-mazing through you this past year. I love you and am grateful for every moment, laugh, hug, talk, and tear. Many prayers and love in your next adventures!
My favorite song growing up was "Flowers are Red" by Harry Chapin. It's a folk song that tells the story of a little boy's first day of school. The boy was found by his teacher painting with many colors. The disapproving teacher told him, "Flowers are red, young man, and green leaves are green. There's no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen." Without missing a beat the little boy replies, "There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in morning sun, so many colors in the flower. And I see every one." The ancestral teacher attempted again to have him see it her way. She repeated her motto, but he in turn responded with his. After repeating this the teacher put him in a corner saying it was for his own good. The boy got lonely and eventually he timidly went up to the teacher and said, "Flowers are red and green leaves and green. There's no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen."
Time goes by and the boy goes to another school. The new teacher was happy to see him. She greeted him with an invitation to paint using all the colors. But the boy could only paint neat rows of green and red. When the open-minded teacher asked him why he was only using red and green he responded with, "Flowers are red and green leaves are green. There's no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen."
There's a lesson at the end of the song when Harry says there still must be a way to have our children to say, "There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the morning sun, so many colors in the flower. And I see every one!"
I remember our first day of ministry on the Race. Our team got dropped off in Buriram, Thailand at 3:30 in the morning and our host, Roger, greeted us with good and bad news. Good news: we were finally there. Bad news: we would be leaving to teach English in 4 hours. I am not a teacher. I don't like to be ordered and controlled with kids. Teaching just isn't my thing. This dread came upon me one month later. During our weeks locked up in a Cambodian orphanage (true story - just sounds worse than it was.) we taught English from morning till evening. My girls knew I didn't like teaching but I didn't choose the easy out. I had to remind them that even though teaching wasn't my thing I needed to participate and be willing. I needed to be stretched and try new things. Turned out I could be the encouraging assistant teacher and/or group game leader. I was good at that!
I've learned many things this year and been a part of unique services to the Lord - some of which I wasn't eager to jump into at first. I prayed for the people on the streets of China, shared about cults at a college in Cape Town, cleaned and served the poor and hungry in Africa. I spoke in churches or Bible studies, hung out with prisoners and drug addicts. I even got a chance to plant corn in Nicaragua. I've held babies and gotten peed on. I've reached out my hands to care and nearly gotten bitten. I've loved selflessly without receiving anything in return. I've gone around the world with the authority and love of Christ and have been blessed tremendously! (...more than I'll ever now how to put into words.)
I really was blessed to end this year off by painting a mural for our hosts. After months of giving and giving and heeding to the wills and wishes of others I was able to do something I love. With Isaiah 40:31 given at the host's request I set up a design and was ready. It ended up being our main task one of our last days of "minstry." It was a special day when every one joined in even though they weren't "artists." I appreciated their willingness to tag along in my joy and passion. It was so good for me to end with a personal blessing from Daddy. He's heard my prayers and knows my heart. He lets me paint with all the colors of the rainbow!
It's mom again! I fly home tomorrow and just wanted to share a few thoughts with you.
I have spent a wonderful week with some amazing young adults. So why were they so amazing? The fire of the Holy Spirit and the passion for Jesus Christ flows out from them in their actions and their words, in a way I don't often see. They don't let fear hold them back from walking amongst the people and ministering to them; praying for them and with them; They smile as an army of happy screaming children poke them; grab them and want to play with them, and never once did I see an attitude of disdain or irritation. They hug and smile and hold children and love on them in a way that is about gone in the United States because of rules and regulations. They ARE the Body of Christ in Action!
They have shown care and compassion for me; their fellow racers; the ministries down here; and for the people they meet. We may have had to walk past the beggars on the street, but that didn't stop them from praying for them. They would share what they had with others and in return were given tokens of appreciation from some of those they met. They were here to be a blessing but were truly blessed by those around them
Yes, we worked hard: painting or working at the church(not me-I helped with the painting); saw sites that would break your heart and turn your stomach(the visit to the dump); ministered to each other and to the people here(playing games with the youth at church; leading a woman's Bible study; organizing and running two carnivals for the local children-the second of which must have had 250 children; sharing testimonies at Sunday worship services; holding their own worship services); we, also, did the wait patiently part of the culture down here. You quickly find out that "15 minutes" most probably will be an hour or more! This was, no question, the hardest for me to do. With only a week here, I wanted to all that I could, but the Lord ALWAYS has a way of laughing at what I want and having to wait was one way that He could get me to spend time with Him!
I was blessed to have been asked to share my salvation story with Team Beloved One and my testimony of my visit to the dump with the congregation at church. I am not very comfortable talking in front of people but God was standing with me giving me the courage and the words that need to be said. I give Him all the praise for that. I was blessed to have worked side by side with my daughter as we, and her teammates, painted a mural on a wall at the hotel we are staying in. Someday I may even find the blessing in the bug bites I received when Caitlin and I went off site!
The Lord has a purpose for everything and everything happens in His time. I truly feel like He wanted me here, this week, and with these people and He gave me "mom time" with some truly amazing people!
Thank you Team Beloved One and Team Ignite. Love you all. "Mom."
This is Caitlin's mom, and she told me I had to write her next blog. Before she left on this trip, I had never heard of a "blog" let alone ever written one. So, if you will indulge me as I take a little poetic license from some meaningful devotions (to me) and my thoughts on my day with her World Race team, I will try to share my feelings.
About three and a half years ago, I heard about the people living in the dump in Managua. They weren't stories filled with joy or hope, but of death and despair. I was often told I probably wouldn't want to go there, but God laid on my heart a strong desire to see for myself. I didn't know why, that was never clearly explained to me (I often wish God would give me billboards!) I just knew He wanted me to go there for myself. I have been here in Nicaragua, three previous times, and always asked if we could go, but never was allowed the opportunity. It didn't stop God from laying the desire on my heart.
Then, I came to visit Caitlin, and where do you think was the first place she took me? To the dump!!!!! Praise the Lord. It was His timing that I go now and with this group of wonderful people, including Pastor Manuel, who had once lived in the dump himself. Now, I am NOT naturally graceful, as they soon found out, when Pastor Manuel attempted to help me over a dirty, yucky, mess of "goo" and I sunk my foot into it! We all had a good laugh, when on the way out, once again Pastor Manuel tried to help me over the same goo and my other foot sank in up to my ankles!!! I laughed and said "my feet have been baptized by the dump!"
Looking down at my now, very black and ooey, gooey, shoes, I was reminded of the act of 'foot washing' in the Bible. Do you know that the first time, I can recall, that it is mentioned in the Bible, is not when the woman washes Jesus' feet with her tears (Luke 7:37-38), but when Abraham entertains the three visitors? Abraham invites the men in and asks them to wait while he gets water to wash their feet. Traveling, back then, was a very dirty, dusty ordeal and the feet got very dirty (like mine did today!) and a good host would always wash the feet of his guests. That job was often given to the lowest of the low servant in the household, yet Jesus not only washed the feet of his disciples but he instructed them to wash each others feet. (John 13:5) And WE are called to "be like Jesus!"
Are we willing to do the lowest, dirtiest job around or go to the lowest, dirtiest place around, to "be like Jesus?" I'm not sure many would answer "yes" and I can't think of a dirtier job than scavenging through the dump to collect materials to sell in order to survive; or to go to the dump to be "like Jesus". But that is where God led us today and this wonderful Body of Christ I was a part of, and then visited with four families. They talked to them; asked about their families; got their names; and asked about their health. They were building relationships in His Kingdom and then they would ask if they could pray for the people, and they DID! One man saw the ladies praying over a woman and he came up to tell them of his ailments and asked if they would pray for him as well, and they did. They were "being Jesus". We were told of previous prayers that had been answered and lives that were living for Christ, there amid the piles of rubbish; burning tires; rotting food; noxious smells; and yucky goo!
I am still not exactly sure why God wanted me to go there, but I believe it was to walk out of there knowing that Christ is alive and living amongst His people in the dump and that is a story of hope, joy, and one of rejoicing. The joy I felt walking with these amazing people, and sharing God's love with the people we met will never be properly put into words, but I do believe some spiritual "foot washing" was done today and God would say "well done, good and faithful child."
I'm giving You my heart and all that is within. I lay it all down for the sake of You my King. I'm giving You my dreams. I'm laying down my rights. I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life. And I surrender all to You.
That's what I did. A few years ago when that song first pierced my soul I knew life couldn't be the same. Sometimes I forget, get selfish, or ignore His cost. But I know every time I hear this song it's His voice that is singing directly to me reminding me of the moment I surrendered. He's got a lot more grace than I do. He shows that beautiful grace to me by waking me up each morning - whether I rejoice in that gift or hit snooze and couple more times is the choice He leaves up to me.
GRACE. Why did He do it? What motivated Him? That was Christ's whole life example. He offered grace, love, compassion, forgiveness, and truth to everyone He came across. He offered this lifestyle to us as the best way to live. To pass it on He says, "Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all is taught in the law and the prophets." (Matthew 7:12) He didn't say "don't do what you don't want others to do for you." No He raised the bar Himself and led the way...well, He is the Way.
Over these months I've learned and relearned the constant prayer of asking for grace from God and others as He teaches me to die more to myself. It's so hard! I wasn't taught to give up all my rights. Never knew that I should serve everyone around me until it hurts. Even when it hurts! Those times usually mean the most though. It's those times that challenge me to change into something greater. But who wants to serve someone that's mean and hurtful - Jesus is always up for the challenge and He's kindly bringing me into His steps. Though I mess up a lot this is what He's showing me:
>>That time in Africa when my flesh was irritated and impatient with the selfishness of others He showed me my own pride. He led me to the light of the Word which reminded if I am to have the same attitude of Christ than I am to be a slave. A slave!? I hated that. I was so confused. Ha - how are You supposed to teach them a lesson when You're telling me I NEED to act and be a slave to others. I did it. Reluctantly I shared with my team just what He had invited me into - more of a lifestyle of slavery - and how I didn't want to do it. Turned out that me stepping out in that way and following God when I didn't want to made some unexpected impressions on people. Cool.
>>Then there's this whole apology thing. You think that people would just know when you want or expect them to say they're sorry. Guess not. Time spent closely with others has given me many opportunities to be patient with their quirks. The patient times allows me to step back and refocus how I should see them - as His child, given worth by the most high King, beloved. This recognition of "blame" or "fault" also pushes me to apologize too. And in all reality its never as bad as I fear. The process of true repentance refreshes my soul, humbles my heart, and allows me to see Christ more fully in that other person.
>>Then there was that time with the whole team - I think it was all of us - when we decided to raise the bar. Most likely this event was some time in our recent history. See, life gets tiring. People wear out when they do it all on their own. Life gets all fuzzy and gray and kinda the same all over. Like, we've done this before what's the point now? That's when our team decided as a whole we needed to raise the bar and make our last short months lived to the fullest. But how does that look and where does it start? Each of us had to be willing to make that a personal example. We needed to live above the bar in our own actions and attitudes. Otherwise...well, we just didn't want to take that road.
>>What about when you see people with tired and lazy attitudes? God's still changing my heart on this one and I realize that He is the ONLY one that can change me in this. It's not a mental game to convince myself to show love and grace to others - it really does only come from Him. But He's pushed me to come along side others with GRACE and let my hard work and positive attitude be an example.
You can't change people on your own terms. I can't change people on mine. Only God can. That's not intended to be a roadblock in the work of transforming lives. It should give you HOPE! With tons of prayer He's changed me little by little everyday. He's changing my heart by filling it more with His love. See, when He gives me time and direction in my prayers things don't happen magically as I request. Instead, by being with Him the love He has for His people rubs off on me. This unfailing love continues to motivate me to serve and love and be the example He was. Whether others are mean, hurtful, pleasant, or kind I still am chosen to be His example - not mine.
[The motivation for this blog occurred a few days ago when I realized I was getting more love and encouragement from home than from my teammates. I sadly shared this with my girls. They quickly took initiative to pray for me, speaking truth and life over me. We continued that ritual each night since for someone different. Tonight we ended with Kari and tomorrow we'll start again. I kinda like these chicks!]
I've been seeking wisdom as to what's supposed to happen next. Reading in a devotional book the other day my eyes paused as I reread the given verse, "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." (James 3:17-18) First of all pure. Pure. That means the wisdom that I seek isn't infected with my fleshly desires or manipulations. It's not a deal I'm making with God. He wants to give us a wisdom that is purely Him. And with that comes peace, consideration, submissive attitude, mercy, fruit, impartiality, and sincerity. Wow! When God blesses He blesses. He LOVES His children. And maybe I've mentioned it before - He cares more about who we are than what we are doing. 
I spent the past week back at the summer camp I've worked at the last two summers. I haven't had time to stop since the Race but knew without a doubt that 
